#37 | Creating oneself

Hello lovelies, hope that all is well with you. If you are looking for the Tai Chung blog post, it is currently on hold as I would be visiting Taiwan again this December! As I would be visiting new places of interest, I thought that it would be better for me to update the drafted piece and upload it when I'm back from that trip! 

Today is yet again another personal topic - because I have the feels for it. And I am sure that many of us are currently struggling with it too. Lately, I feel that I am just going through the motion, with no aim in mind. Wake up - school - work - sleep - repeat. There is nothing exciting for me to look forward to, nothing for me to feel inspired about. One word can sum it all up, I feel jaded.

University life have been very draining not just physically but mentally - but that is my "job", to be a good student, I'm afraid I'm not very good at it. Lately, being too good of a student is beginning to bore me. I have always been that goody 2 shoes in class, full attendance, listening attentively (most of the time), making notes furiously when the prof is teaching, handing my work on time etc. But I'm beginning to feel tired of this routine. No doubt, I learn something new everyday in class. I love learning, I just dislike the curriculum. As much as I understand how exams and graded components are set to test how much you know about a subject, these are the things that make me feel yucky about school - but no matter how much you hate it, you have to go through it. *grits teeth and sigh*

School aside, I am trying to create me. I'm hitting 22 soon, and that is a scary thought. I look at my reflection and all I see is yet another drone of society. One that is going around aimlessly, chasing a paper, getting a job and having to work until I'm in my deathbed - or if lucky, win a lottery halfway and retire in the mountains ha! I could hardly answer those "Where do you see yourself in 5 years time" kind of questions when I was asked recently.. Therefore, I'm trying to define me - although it constantly changes, but I want to be able to say " Hi, I'm Sharleen and i do -blank-. I love -blank- because it inspires me and makes my life meaningful." --- I can't even fill in the blanks now, because I am so uncertain and unsure.

The past few days, I did get a little inspiration from a group of performers. Watching their performances and debut videos reminded me of my dream that I had since young - to be a singer/musician/performer. (Which I never got to pursue all the way because I made the choice to sacrifice it for studies. And I really regret it now.) I have always LOVED singing, I love shaking my buns and expressing myself freely though music. I LOVED dressing up, I remember how I was 6 years old and back then my uncle always invited us for his company dinners. I would pick my own dress and put on my own make up. I can vividly remember telling my mum I want a rollerball glitter eyeshadow as a present after an operation that I had. Ha! Music and Fashion have been integral to my life from my childhood till today. 

You might think, oh boy, reading yet another disillusion post, this girl needs to wake up and be practical! But if you aren't the judge-y sort, THANK YOU. As I was saying, I do loveeeeee Music and Fashion, but I figured that with my calibre, I am not the kind of "product" that entertainment companies are looking for. Plus being 22 means I am near the "expiry date", I have shorter profits potential it does not make sense to invest in me - therefore this is why companies usually pick younger talented individuals that have the full package. I fully understand in the business point of view. But that does not stop me from pursuing my dreams. I will pick up my passion as a hobby at least, and even if I do get to perform to a small audience, that itself is sufficient. At least by trying, I can die without regrets.

So recently, I told my folks at home that I am interested in dancing. My mum's first reactions was, "POLE DANCING? BELLY DANCING?" Hahaha! You're funny mum. I would have thought that they would call me crazy, but instead they heard me out - my reasons on why I would want to take up this challenging activity out of a sudden with the stiff body that I have. I'm grateful for my parents as they have always loved me in their own ways, although different from the love language that I would have prefered, but they are always supportive of me in my pursuits as long as it is within their means. Sometimes I wonder, what did I do in my previous life to be this lucky to be in born in this family. *count my blessings*

Other than pursuing hobbies, I started to think seriously about life after university. I am ending my Y2S1 soon, and that means about 2 more years to graduation.. and I would be 24 or 25. I am at my prime now, and with time ticking-tocking away, I really cannot afford to leave this thinking to be done in the future. It needs to be done soon so that actions can be taken... right? I even had a wild idea to be on work permit in a foreign country, so as to just be independent and do wild things before I hit 30.. When they say age is just a number, it is a lie. Time after being 21 flies by unknowlingly, our youth is burning out too fast. 

So that's an update about my life recently, I'm also having finals this week but I will pull through!

I don't want to be pretentious and give you advices that I am unsure of or ripped off somewhere from the internet. But one thing for sure that I can assure you is that, YOU ARE NOT ALONE ~ I AM HERE WITH YOU! :) (if you know where this song is from, man you old like me)

Life is full of constant changes and struggles, but you need to constantly create and get out of your comfort zone to grow, to be stronger mentally, emotionally and physically -- a new belief I have, not easy, but I'll try. *hugs self*

It can be tough to be facing all these uncertainties on your own, but remember that you can do it.  "Someday this pain will be useful." Nothing is stopping you from trying or achieving it but you yourself. So I hoped that my little story/update today helped or inspired you! Till next time, take good care of yourself and your loved ones.

x Sharleen